I found an old blog in my travels on my computer looking for photos. What I wrote it for at the time, I’m not sure…

But I am publishing it here, just because I have a space for it now to be seen.

The Rise...this time with the Thrive part?

February 17, 2019

How many times does one person rise from the ashes like the Phoenix and how many times does it get to be an epic re-birth before re-birthing epicly just becomes another pattern? before you don’t get an audience and your kids stop looking at you like you are going to do something exciting or meaningful and now just roll their eyes when you say “this year I’ll be sorted and we’ll be right” and declare to you instead, I’ve heard this all before Mum and people now admire you for your resilience or look at you the same way your kids do, not speaking their thoughts, but wanting to believe you…yes we are all wondering whether another trip round the mountain is imminent!

And what happens when everyone around you forgets about where you have just been? your awareness is awake to the fact that your egoic victim story is no longer anchoring you to your very existence in a space with other Beings. Who are you then at that point? and how do you even begin to know? and how do you step with courage and bravery into that knowing once it arrives and as it arrives in small slippery pieces? I might be described as a stubborn-resilient-re-birthing-re-inventing-semi-entreprenureal-reasonably talented-solo mum-student-artist having a go, maybe ‘should’ just go get a job cries inside all the while trying everyday to be a good mum, feeling like a failure (and feeling amazing at the same time) and trying to give love to and forgive all that has hurt before, completely afraid of embodying bitterness - that tempting dark space that hovers near me, feels familiar and feels like it would be instantly rewarding and relieving.

2018 required me to get truthful about a whole lot, be present to the unfolding of my life or else…. and there is more still waiting to arise when divine timing allows. Truths have a funny way of knocking at what you thought was a well locked door. You think letting only some out are sufficient - but no - the whole damn lot want to escape, so the Universe sets the scene and truths find ways. I am naming them plot twists…not here to hurt me, but to challenge me to grow and know myself more. All is as it should be.

The old patterns, the lessons…they felt familiar in my body. But my Soul could take no more of my cognitive rationale, endless pain relief for the ‘headaches’ and the if I just-ifications… and could take no more of the facade of someone else’s dream disguised as my own, that kept me so very seemingly forward moving. The facade kept me protected and fending off outside questions and thoughts of why hasn’t she got her shit together? I hold her and thank her, the Me that has been navigating to this point. I did the best I could, with what I had in the only ways I knew how. Like we all do.

Well…..this time it’s got to be different doesn’t it? With a new level of awareness, 2019 surely is the year I consolidate and thrive, jump up and out of the well worn ditch that clearly was not my path to begin with. This year the difference is I am standing on MY two feet, with only MY internal guidance system. This year I get to say goodbye to what is not mine and open doors for what is. This year I get to be excited about my path, embrace the contrasts that show up on any given day or week so bitterness will not be able to find a surface to settle on…surely. Yes I am a little doubtful too, I am worried I don’t want the thriving part enough.

So here I am, I’ve lost count of what round I’m in. But that’s just it, no matter what, you actually have to rise, keep going, keep trying - what else can you do? Yes, some people won’t know how to take you, yes they will get tired of you - so yes you will lose people, places, and spaces. I have learnt to let them go with love and acceptance - that what is meant for me won’t miss me, that I have spent most of my life with the wrong people, the wrong tribe, and now, if that happens, I say so. If my body reacts - I listen. I’m seeing little glimpses of the new pattern, that I trust the process, trust my guidance and stuff unfolds where I didn’t know it would.

Spirit is working for us, so if we keep going, we will see eventually the patterns that satisfy our pain body and ego, the deep trenches we have been walking, the people and situations we have been attracting and with awareness we get to go forward by making informed choices over unconscious reaction, and learn to pivot when necessary. We let go, learn to trust inner guidance and take leaps of faith, trust puzzle pieces as they fit together and fingers crossed with some effort we Thrive.