Daydreaming, Procrastination and Abandonment

"Art is a war - between ourselves and the forces of self sabotage that would stop us from doing our work. The artist is a warrior". 
Steven Pressfield 'The War of Art'.

.The thing about being an artist, is we are constantly creating in our minds. The thoughts about the making never stop. So even though I am not at work in my studio as much as I'd like, I still feel like I'm busy creating, my imagination is a wild place of unfinished paintings, photographs, jewellery, writing, garden spaces, business ventures, arty outfits and more! A true daydreamer!
Even better than that, when I logistically can't be in my studio (as is the case now for the last two years), I have other outlets that fill my creative cup - cooking and gardening being two of those. 
This month I have been in the garden, sowing in the greenhouse to get ahead of the coming spring planting, I have been baking with my little lass and I've picked flowers that dared to open up here in the hills, to arrange artfully in spaces.

There are also contrasty elements of an artists life that deplete creativity. These include, but are not limited to; general motherhood-related-exhaustion, a nasty flu, late nights, too much device time, not enough physical movement (no walks in nature!), questionable nutrition and general overall self abandonment...
This last month I have abandoned some good practices and I ended up getting my first flu of the year and I managed to block all pathways to my desk to make art with every other thing.

Now through my glazey, hazey tired eyes and sniffly nose I am reminded -
'Do not abandon wisdom and she will protect you, love her and she will keep you safe'.

I'm not sure of the origins of that quote, I came across is 20 something years ago. It has been transferred from visual diary to visual diary and has been stitched into art pieces over the years as a reminder to do the next right, wise thing and to not be distracted by the temptations that lead to self abandonment, even though it can feel like a battle to be disciplined enough to say No, turn off the device, go to bed early or to sit down to do the work.

Basically sometimes, oftentimes, the contrast reminds us of what we DO want; how we want to feel, how we want to spend our days, what's good for us and what isn't. Sometimes I need a reminder to get back on track, to put a wedge in the habit of extreme procrastination and to choose to look after myself and my creative cup first. 

I've had my phone notifications off for four days, I've slept, sat in the sun and I've battled through the resistance to start and now I have some new pieces on the way.

Thanks October for the feverish lesson! Now it's time to sow...
NG x

The Search for Sherwood

Artist Statement from ‘The Search for Sherwood’ exhibition at Space Studio and Gallery, September 2023

My Father was born in Mansfield, Nottinghamshire, the heart of Sherwood Forest (Robin Hood country), which makes me the daughter of an Englishman. 

I have ancestors on my maternal side, one in particular who came to New Zealand with the 65th Regiment in the late 1800s and settled just out of Whanganui as a farmer, which makes me a descendant of a European Settler.

I am Partner to a sheep farmer in the Pohangina Valley, who's ancestors were early settlers and were responsible for clearing native bush to make way for farming.

I began researching Sherwood Forest and the affinity I felt for British soil, my heritage and tradition, until I was forced earlier this year to take the road down the valley through the Pohangina Village everyday due to the cyclone washing away our bridge.

I really began to pay attention to what early settlers created and realised that as I was longing to ‘go home’, I was basically driving through it everyday anyway. Then I had to grapple with the rabbit hole that is colonisation, similar to a lot of people in our communities today.

Our collective history and what went on, is in the spotlight. 

Being of European descent, born in New Zealand, I am pondering questions of identity here in this place. Dr Michael King’s words, from Being Pakeha (p 186), put it nicely for me,

“As I watch this land and seascape, wrapped around by recollections of relationships and remembrances of times past, I find I am Pakeha, I am New Zealander, I am Irish, I am Scottish, I am European; and I am in parts of my spirit, Maori. I am all these things simultaneously. Most of all, though, and most gratefully of all, I am human and I am alive. I rejoice in the gifts that my descendants and associations have bequeathed me. ‘Love’, says Saul Bellow in his book I have just put down, ‘is simply gratitude for being.” 

I have been exploring ideas of identity, by noticing the environment I inhabit. I drive through native bush and farm land every day, I live in a place that saw fighting, I spot pheasants and deer emerging onto the road side and I sit on my deck watching fantails. At night the puriri moth dances in my torch light and the call of the ruru can be heard in the Old Man Pine. On a cold, misty day I can smell the native bush and in the Autumn, I reveled in the magic that was the vibrant display of the changing oak trees in the village. 

But which Robin? I am still unpacking the year that has been so far and the mysteries that have emerged from the forests.

I have had the pleasure of creating this body of work alongside my partner who is a passionate farmer with a love for New Zealand’s native bush. As he was working up a paddock, he turned over an ancient piece of Maire root. Maire is endemic to this country and is extremely rare today - due to trees being cut down for firewood by settlers. I have felt humbled to have been able to work on this ancient, unique timber to tell stories of identity, heritage and belonging. 

Ultimately, I was born in New Zealand and I live rurally, therefore I get to be connected to the land in ways that differ from dwelling in the city. 

This from Sharon Blackie, If Women Rose Rooted, (p 294)

“We spend our lives searching for meaning in ourselves, engaged in deep conversations with our inner child’, meditating on a mat indoors, trained to be ever-mindful of what’s going on inside us - our breath and our thoughts and our emotions - when so much of the meaning we need is beneath our feet, in the plants and animals around us, in the air we breathe. We swaddle ourselves so tightly in the centrality of our own self-referential humanness that we forget that we are creatures of the Earth, and need also to connect with the land.”

And from the silent Huia, Who-are-you?

FOREST | FOR-REST

Artist Statement from the exhibition ‘FOREST | FOR-REST’, Space Studio and Gallery, May 2024.

When I use the word forest I am referring to the Sherwood Forest of my English heritage, the New Zealand native bush of my present and the enchanted forest featured in the myths and stories of my Soul.

The elements I have used in my work, are what resonate for me; oak leaves, the moon, the ‘common’ blackbird, the messenger fantail, the communicative thrush and the little forest jewels; the moths, the teeny rifleman, the robin and the beautiful black maire.

With these elements, I am seeking to celebrate the divine beauty and restorative power of the forest. I am very simply inspired by the way our senses awaken to the sights, smells and sounds of the forest. The depth of colour; intense lights and darks, the cold under the canopy, the feelings; the restful calm, the quiet peace and that feeling you get when you've entered a few steps into dense bush, that you are a million miles away from anywhere and suddenly lost. The birds bring us our messages and instructions on how to be present and at one with nature - whether you're under an oak tree, in dense bush, by a river or even bending your neck heaven-ward to the night sky.

In the Autumn, the trees teach us how to shed what is no longer serving us, but that once lost, the leaves at our feet serve to feed our new growth. The winter forest teaches us to quieten down and be restful.

The big, old trees are adorned with moths, birds, moss and fungi - the forest is bejeweled and laden with treasures for those with the eyes to see them.

Simply put, when we awaken our senses and become present to the beauty of nature, the Divine, we (our Souls) are being restored every time.

The Rise...this time with the Thrive part?

I found an old blog in my travels on my computer looking for photos. What I wrote it for at the time, I’m not sure…

But I am publishing it here, just because I have a space for it now to be seen.

The Rise...this time with the Thrive part?

February 17, 2019

How many times does one person rise from the ashes like the Phoenix and how many times does it get to be an epic re-birth before re-birthing epicly just becomes another pattern? before you don’t get an audience and your kids stop looking at you like you are going to do something exciting or meaningful and now just roll their eyes when you say “this year I’ll be sorted and we’ll be right” and declare to you instead, I’ve heard this all before Mum and people now admire you for your resilience or look at you the same way your kids do, not speaking their thoughts, but wanting to believe you…yes we are all wondering whether another trip round the mountain is imminent!

And what happens when everyone around you forgets about where you have just been? your awareness is awake to the fact that your egoic victim story is no longer anchoring you to your very existence in a space with other Beings. Who are you then at that point? and how do you even begin to know? and how do you step with courage and bravery into that knowing once it arrives and as it arrives in small slippery pieces? I might be described as a stubborn-resilient-re-birthing-re-inventing-semi-entreprenureal-reasonably talented-solo mum-student-artist having a go, maybe ‘should’ just go get a job cries inside all the while trying everyday to be a good mum, feeling like a failure (and feeling amazing at the same time) and trying to give love to and forgive all that has hurt before, completely afraid of embodying bitterness - that tempting dark space that hovers near me, feels familiar and feels like it would be instantly rewarding and relieving.

2018 required me to get truthful about a whole lot, be present to the unfolding of my life or else…. and there is more still waiting to arise when divine timing allows. Truths have a funny way of knocking at what you thought was a well locked door. You think letting only some out are sufficient - but no - the whole damn lot want to escape, so the Universe sets the scene and truths find ways. I am naming them plot twists…not here to hurt me, but to challenge me to grow and know myself more. All is as it should be.

The old patterns, the lessons…they felt familiar in my body. But my Soul could take no more of my cognitive rationale, endless pain relief for the ‘headaches’ and the if I just-ifications… and could take no more of the facade of someone else’s dream disguised as my own, that kept me so very seemingly forward moving. The facade kept me protected and fending off outside questions and thoughts of why hasn’t she got her shit together? I hold her and thank her, the Me that has been navigating to this point. I did the best I could, with what I had in the only ways I knew how. Like we all do.

Well…..this time it’s got to be different doesn’t it? With a new level of awareness, 2019 surely is the year I consolidate and thrive, jump up and out of the well worn ditch that clearly was not my path to begin with. This year the difference is I am standing on MY two feet, with only MY internal guidance system. This year I get to say goodbye to what is not mine and open doors for what is. This year I get to be excited about my path, embrace the contrasts that show up on any given day or week so bitterness will not be able to find a surface to settle on…surely. Yes I am a little doubtful too, I am worried I don’t want the thriving part enough.

So here I am, I’ve lost count of what round I’m in. But that’s just it, no matter what, you actually have to rise, keep going, keep trying - what else can you do? Yes, some people won’t know how to take you, yes they will get tired of you - so yes you will lose people, places, and spaces. I have learnt to let them go with love and acceptance - that what is meant for me won’t miss me, that I have spent most of my life with the wrong people, the wrong tribe, and now, if that happens, I say so. If my body reacts - I listen. I’m seeing little glimpses of the new pattern, that I trust the process, trust my guidance and stuff unfolds where I didn’t know it would.

Spirit is working for us, so if we keep going, we will see eventually the patterns that satisfy our pain body and ego, the deep trenches we have been walking, the people and situations we have been attracting and with awareness we get to go forward by making informed choices over unconscious reaction, and learn to pivot when necessary. We let go, learn to trust inner guidance and take leaps of faith, trust puzzle pieces as they fit together and fingers crossed with some effort we Thrive.

NG

The OLD truth and the NEW Truth

I have been pondering lately, my art journey to this point. Initially when I began reflecting, I felt that I didn't have that classic moment in my childhood, where someone in my life broke me and my confidence in art making. But it turns out that I do have some stories and that now, underneath, I suffer self doubt and my resistance to create is strong. I LOVE art, so I have never felt fully discouraged. My family were always supportive and I survived high school because I had the art room.

But thanks to some key moments, I do have a challenging battle ahead of me.

Consciously, I agreed with most of society, that being an artist doesn't support anyone financially and that I would have to seek 'real' jobs in life. Thanks to an opinionated intermediate teacher, I was encouraged to take economics in 3rd form as a core subject at high school instead of art. There I lasted only a term before I was given permission to vacate that class to take refuge in the art room. My high school art teacher is quoted above - she was someone who gave me a platform for my passion for art to be expressed. From there, I took all the art subjects I could and went on to complete my fine arts degree straight after high school. Then I had to step into the real world...I have spent the last 20 years battling between the real world need to earn a living and the soulful need to be an Artist. Fast forward to today, where I personally accept that YES, true story - being an artist alone won’t support you financially in any sustainable way. *ouch*

Stay with me...I'll explain.

The harsh truth is, it can be a fulfilling hobby or alternatively you can try making art your job and become a factory. This looks like making art you know you can sell cheaply and quickly, you exhaust yourself hosting a workshop that you wildly undercharge yourself for or complete commissions that drain your cup, instead of filling it and generally this work is completed in your 'spare' time.

For me, that scenario isn’t any better than working at the 'real' job.

Worth? Value?

I have been lucky enough over the last 10 years, to experience and explore my entrepreneurial self. I have grown to understand business more; what it looks like to be a disciplined professional, what personal habits and characteristics are involved that equal success and I have learned about my own skills and capabilities - everyday I strive to BE and DO better. I have come to a time in my life, where I want to be pulled by my vision in the morning when I wake up and I want to engage in daily life in a way that is more loving and gentle on my spirit, my body and my family.

The missing piece, (the business mindset-skillset), I believe is the bridge between making art and making a living FROM art. I have switched my focus in recent years, to learn about what it takes to do business and I've accepted that I didn't understand any of it when I thought being a humble artist meant just surviving, being funded and doing cheap/free work for your local council OR that if you made money from your art - you definitely weren't a real artist and you'd probably sold your soul.

THE NEW TRUTH - YOU CAN EARN A LIVING BY BEING AN ARTIST, BUT, YOU MUST DEVELOP BUSINESS SKILLS ALONGSIDE YOUR ART PRACTICE.

I’m at the bridge *the call to action* and I’m bringing with me all the tools I have; from all the 'real' jobs I’ve had, the education, the healed (and healing) wounds, spiritual explorations, motherhood, wonderful mentors both in my life, in my past on my path and via podcasts and books. I carry with me the experience of having multiple small businesses; the hardship, the mistakes, the rewards and most importantly the personal growth and development.

So here I begin again and I’m taking you and Jim Rohn with me for accountability. Thanks for joining me and I hope you are inspired by what I will be sharing in the coming months.

NG

“DON’T WISH IT WAS EASIER, WISH YOU WERE BETTER. DON’T WISH FOR LESS PROBLEMS, WISH FOR MORE SKILLS. DON’T WISH FOR LESS CHALLENGE, WISH FOR MORE WISDOM.”

JIM ROHN